Master of Feelings
by RGfI
Summary: Doug Ross, a proud father and a soon-to-be husband, sits down to his desk and tries to write his vows to the woman he loved for most of his adult life. My first ER fanfic, please read and review!


**I've been wanting to write a Doug and Carol fanfic for a long time now. There are not enough of those and that's a shame because they are one of my favorite couples.**

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Doug Ross sat down on the brown wood chair to his black wood desk. The desk was at the corner of his work room, while few inches near him there was a big, open window, that allowed eyesight to the wide, blue ocean outside. The open window lit up the room.

He pushed some random papers from his desk and put down the paper he intended to write it on. But as he raised up the pen, he felt a little hand touching his leg.

He smiled and looked down. "Kate? Is that you?"

The one-and-a-half year-old, dressed in a purple dress with a blue small ribbon in her hair, didn't answer. She looked up at him, a pair of brown curious eyes questioning him intensely. It was definitely Kate. It's not just that this toddler wore Kate's colors (blue and purple while Tess' are red and pink), but she had Kate's gaze; a curious, a bit cautious gaze; one that will study you until she'll decide if she trusts you, much like her mother's.

"Come here," he smiled as he reached for his daughter. When she saw his open arms she looked at him for a second before she sent up two little arms. That was all he needed.

"There you go," he smiled as he settled the toddler on his lap and kissed her cheek. She smiled at his kiss and started to reach for the papers on his desk. "Whoa! Not so fast, little one. I actually need those papers."

"Doug!" He heard Carol's worried voice calling him. "Doug, is Kate with you?"

Doug smiled as he pulled a matchmaker out of Kate's grip. "Yes she is. I could use some help, though!"

He heard her stepping down the hallway and a minute later she stood near his chair. "Some help?" She asked, a teasing smile on her face. He always liked that smile on her.

"Yes, some help. Let me remind you I'm new at this!" He said, chuckling as he pulled a pencil out of the toddler's grip.

Carol chuckled, moving her hand to his shoulder. "That excuse is starting to wear off, because you are almost 7 months into "this", I'd say you can handle it."

Doug chuckled nervously. "Right. Then at least help me for the sake of our vows?"

Carol smiled softly, her gaze excited and a bit nervous. "Now that is a sacrifice I am willing to make," she kissed his cheek, stroking it afterwards gently, before she grabbed Kate. Kate whined a bit, since she wanted to go back to Doug, but gave up eventually, leaning her heas on her mother's shoulder.

Doug was left alone in the room, trying to figure out how to put his feelings to Carol into words.

How can he sit down and explain (even just to himself) how he feels about her?

It's impossible. It really is, and for many reasons. One is that he knows for sure that many many people have a problem when it comes to put their emotions into words.

Now, if someone says that it's bullshit and that he has no problem with expressing himself, then Doug Ross out of all people can tell him that it probably means he doesn't really mean what he expresses; because don't get him wrong - Doug is good with saying the nice, right, flattering thing, the one thing that will make most girls blush or jump on him or kiss him - but it probably means he doesn't really believe in what he says.

He can really play the rule of the master of lies.

But she sees through him, the good and the bad.

She sees right through his bullshit; she definitely doesn't buy and never bought the crap he sells to others.

But she can see and she always saw the real him; maybe not a poetry writer but a guy who is willing to do the right thing for those he truly cares about.

And he truly cares about her.

Leave the fact that she is stunningly beautiful; in a special way, in a less common way. Her curls, her eyes, her soft features. The way she laughs, smiles, glares at him; how she looks when she's confused, upset, beaming; always beautiful to him.

But she is so much more than just beautiful; she is passionate. She is so damn special. She'll tell him the truth without trying to make him feel better about it. When he is wrong, she'll yell at him; when he is right, she'll be the first one to support him and stand with him against everyone.

One thing he learned about her during the years was that she is not perfect. It came as a shock to him at first, though it is not that surprising if he gives it another thought.

She did fall for him, again and again. When a better, more stable option came, she sabotaged it by sleeping with him and by kissing him.

She is not perfect, neither is he. God knows Doug Ross is not perfect. And people... Every single person who witnessed them, doubted their ability to work.

But the truth is, two flawed people make a flawless couple.

And flawless kids, hopefully. He has two girls now. He is, for the first time in his life... A father.

Well... Not exactly. He has a son... Somewhere. But the thing is that he is not even allowing himself to call him _his_ son. He made his decision, a long long time ago, that he will not be a part of that kid's life. And unlike his father he is going to keep that promise. He won't ruin the kid's life by showing up every once in a while and disappearing for the next couple of years. That is what his father did, and that is something he'll never do to anyone. He wants the kid to have the best life possible, and that is not something that could happen with him.

But Kate and Tess... Kate and Tess are different. They were planned... And they were with Carol. They look so much like Carol. And when he heard that Carol is pregnant... He wanted badly to come to Chicago, do anything to be there for his forming family. But he didn't come because Carol didn't want him to come, and again the bad feeling started to form that when forcing himself on them he will mostly harm them.

A faded cry was heard. Doug pushed the chair backwards, immediately getting up. "I got it!" He yelled to Carol who was probably busy with Kate. He walked rapidly to the girls room, passing Carol who sat with Kate in the living room.

The girls room was dark because all the windows and lamps were closed. He slowly stepped to the pink crib in the corner. "Hi there grumpy one," he whispered. "Why so upset?" He asked her, smiling at her softly. She looked up at him, reaching her arms up immediately.

He moved the blanket away from her body and lifted her up, kissing her cheek softly. "Good morning, princess. Sleep well?" He asked her as he stepped out of the room to the living room. "There you go, mommy," he said teasingly as he handed the girl to Carol. Carol glared at him. "Don't give me that look now, mommy. Daddy only needs to finish writing his big big speech for mommy."

Carol rolled her eyes, an uncontrolled smile spreading on her face. "Go ahead and do that then, daddy. Mommy needs help here when you're done."

Doug nodded, smiling. "Right, I guess I'll get back to it."

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On his desk again.

Mental images of the first time he met Carol Hathaway; she was the newest hired nurse, a young, sharp teasing 23 year old, who ignored all his efforts to ask her out.

Their first date was two months later. Carol caved to his intense pressure and agreed to a dinner, and they ended up having sex on her kitchen floor.

Usually, when he sleeps with a girl on the first date he disappears in the morning because of a lack of feelings. With Carol he escaped in the morning because he felt too much.

He recalled their first break-up, their second and their third.

The time she tried to commit suicide.

Getting back together; picturing for the first time how it will be to grow old next to Carol Hathaway.

Moving to a different city; picturing how his girls might look like; dreaming and longing for a moment where he could meet them all and they can all be a family.

Finally to reunite with his family; finally to have a family. Proposing to the only woman in his life with a ring, wedding plans...

With the prettiest moments of his life in his head, Doug Ross started to write.

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**I really hope you liked it, _please _let me know!**

**This is my first ER fanfic so I really wanna know what you guys think.**

**Oh, oh, just wanted to add that the sex on the floor thing on the first date is not my invention, Carol said that's what they did on their first date in one of the first season's episodes.**

**Thank you for reading :)**


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